Struggle

A year later, I still have days where I struggle. I'm still friends with my ex-husband on facebook. I can't help sometimes but to look on his page to see what he is up to. Sometimes, it makes me fell better about the decision I had made a little over a year ago to leave. Sometimes, I long to see him. I'll start to miss him, then I feel all sad and empty inside. In someways life was easier then...I had a house that was a mile from work, there was a fenced yard for the dog, he took care of paying our bills, our combined salaries permitted us to travel regularly, I didn't have to worry when I went to the mall if I could afford the new pair of pants that I needed since I somehow manged to eat a few too many pieces of pizza and my old ones got tight. Maybe if I saw him just one more time the past would fade and life would be just how I dreamed...a happy couple living together and compromising with one another when disagreements came about. And then I take a step back and start to think about how completely miserable I was. How every time we had a family vacation planned with my family, he somehow found a need for us to leave a day early. How he hated my friends for no reason. How I would ask politely if he could mow the lawn since I just cleaned the kitchen, only to be cussing and swearing a week later while I was stuck cutting through the jungle that become the front yard. How I was constantly criticized for eating something, doing something, saying something, that just wasn't within his views. I think of how much fun I had with my family last year over the holidays when he wasn't around. I think of how proud I am of myself for staying true to my beliefs and surviving the first year. I think of how the dog is thriving and now getting the love & attention he needs. Oh, that little dog, I just think of him now and it puts a big smile on my face. I know I made the right decision and I know that I am better off, but sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.